Embracing Discomfort: My Vipassana 10-Day Silent Meditation Experience
By: Gayathri Shukla, August 1, 2024
Imagine plunging into ten days of silence, leaving behind the incessant buzz of daily life. This idea of going on a date with yourself might sound tickling…until you realize it is really just you. And your thoughts.
This blog article is a summary of my learnings from my first Vipassana experience. For the unabridged version, tune into Hearth 2 Heart podcast episode on Apple or Spotify.
As an entrepreneur, my life is a roller coaster of highs and lows, and I’ve often wondered if the idea of “balance” is nothing but a far-fetched dream. Until I heard of Vipassana – which literally means “to see things as they really are” – an ancient Indian meditation practice that transcends religious boundaries, offering a way to navigate the universal human condition of suffering.
As an EDIB (equity, diversity, inclusion and belonging) practitioner, I was further intrigued by the aspects of self-awareness and emotional regulation this practice promises. I decided to go on a ten-day silent meditation retreat to deepen my own experiential practice of concepts that I teach through my work: embracing discomfort, unlearning, and journey over destination.
Embracing Discomfort
Walking into the retreat, I was filled with a mix of excitement and trepidation. Would I be able to sit for ten hours a day for ten days? Could I endure the discipline required? My first taste of this journey was the noble silence – no speaking, no gestures, no contact with the outside world until Day 10.
The initial days were excruciating. Waking up at 4 AM, sitting cross-legged on the mat with an empty stomach, my mind rebelled. It darted from past regrets to future anxieties, making it a battle to focus on the task at hand – observing the breath. I questioned my decision to be there, missing my family terribly and recounting my to-do list for work.
By the third day, something began to shift. I found myself stepping back, becoming an observer of my mind’s frantic activity. It was a surreal experience, like watching the Inside-Out movie…except, the protagonist is your own mind. You’re sitting on the bleachers and watching this playground in front of you, filled with your emotions and thoughts, constantly swinging like a monkey from branch to branch.
That brought me to the brink of a revelation: incessant thought patterns that were keeping me stuck in certain habits, and as a result, crystal-clear awareness of what I needed to shift.
Aha, this is what it means to be a curious witness!
Sitting through discomfort – literally and figuratively – was a transformational gift I received from Vipassana.
Unlearning
As the days passed, the focus shifted from respiration to body sensation, and so did my challenge. I realized that I needed to unlearn certain dissociative patterns that were keeping me stuck in my mind, and thereby unsafe to “embody.”
This meant that I not only needed to observe the present moment, but also accept it for what it is. I had to unlearn the instinct to react to every twinge, itch, or ache; and learn equanimity – accepting sensations without judgment, understanding their impermanent nature (“anichya”), thereby creating a sense of safety within.
The direct observation of the inner reality of each sensation, whether pleasant or painful, was a reminder of the transient nature of all experiences. This was reinforced by what was happening externally (as I shared in the video above) – a sunny day turning into a stormy evening, followed by a beautiful yet fleeting rainbow. After all, “this too shall pass.”
This was another transformational gift from Vipassana – unlearning and (re)learning the somatic, felt experience of creating psychological safety within!
The Journey Over the Destination
‘Journey over destination’ was one of the most profound lessons…and of course easier said than done for someone like me who loves to pursue goals and outcomes.
In the beginning, I was fixated on the end goal – completing the 10-day retreat and hoping for some form of enlightenment. But as the days went by, I realized that each moment of discomfort, each struggle to focus, and each small victory in observing my breath and sensations – was in fact the real deal.
By the end of the retreat, I felt like a diver exploring the depths of my inner ocean. I went from someone who could barely sit for 10 minutes a day to meditate, to being in a state where I could witness subtle vibrations of my existence – an indescribable dance of sensations connecting mind and body – and the recognition that “this too shall pass.”
In deed, the destination was not some utopia of perfect peace, but the ongoing process of self-discovery and growth – not unlike the lifelong learning process that comes with EDIB.
Moving Forward with Purpose
Having now returned home, I am filled with a deep sense of gratitude. Gratitude for the Vipassana meditation center in Youngstown, Alberta, for our assistant teacher (Jurgen Stowasser) and volunteers who selflessly dedicate their time, and for S.N. Goenkaji, whose teachings continue to illuminate the path for many, bringing to life ancient wisdom from the Buddha.
As I practice my daily meditations, I can already feel how Vipassana is reshaping my approach to life and work. It is teaching me to appreciate each moment as a continual practice of mindfulness and equanimity. And to serve others with greater compassion and authenticity. Sharing this candid story is an example of that. As I mention on the podcast which is a volunteer project, I don’t stand to gain anything financially by sharing this experience, nor do I claim that my journey will mirror everyone else’s. My hope, however, is that by sharing, it might inspire even one person to embark on their own journey of self-discovery.
To anyone considering Vipassana, I believe that while the path is challenging, the rewards are immeasurable. I wish you peace, and as we heard in Goenkaji’s chanting, “Bhavatu sarva mangalam” – May all beings be happy! To which we would respond, “Sadhu. Sadhu. Sadhu.” (May it be true).
You have beautifully expressed your thoughts and experiences. Really this article will give a clear picture of Vipasana for those who wants to have an experience of this meditation. First timers may have anxiety and dilemma whether to go or not. But your wonderful writings will definitely persuade them and give them some initial assurance for this wonderful Vipasana meditation course. It is my long time wish to attend this course. Hope I will make and experience the process smoothly. Thanks for your heads-up information. All the best dear Gayatri. We are all proud of you. To end my comments, I would like to repeat your nice words,Bavatu Sarva Mangalam “. Thanks 🙏
Recently heard the podcast episode Hearth 2 Heart. It was really nice to hear about Gayathri Shukla ‘s experience with Vipassana Meditation. Wonderful podcast and blog outlining the purpose of this meditation, the challenges she faced and how did she overcome those challenges in her calm and concise voice. It truly sparkled my interest in learning more about this meditation. Thank you very much Gayathri, for sharing your experience and thus setting up the path about knowing ourselves inwards. Hats off to your great service and best wishes for the future endeavors!!
Your blog is a testament to your dedication to your craft. Your commitment to excellence is evident in every aspect of your writing. Thank you for being such a positive influence in the online community.
Wonderful capture of the Vipassana experience. Thank you for sharing!