Part 1: The Real Work of Being an Ally (minus the shame)
By: Gayathri Shukla, July 21, 2025 (This article was originally published on our LinkedIn newsletter.)
Have you ever heard the saying that an ally is someone “who opens doors for you”?
Maybe that someone is your cheerleader, mentor, advocate, or sponsor.
You may recall feeling grateful for their support, or even inspired to support those who follow in your footsteps one day.
But what if the door you thought would open doesn’t really open all the way?
And there is no ally waiting to greet you on the other side, but a gatekeeper?
At our Lotus STEMM Breaking Barriers project, we hear this barrier often, so let me share a composite story – drawn from real experiences in our community – to explore it further.
Aditi’s Story
A junior researcher – let’s call her Aditi – was applying for a grant that required “evidence of departmental support.”
The process wasn’t written anywhere.
Her peers seemed to just knowhow to navigate it – they’d had mentors who prepped them, allies who opened the doors. As a woman of colour and first-generation immigrant, she didn’t yet have such network connections to vouch for her.
When she finally dug up the courage to ask for help, a senior colleague said she could sign the letter Aditi had drafted, but redirected her to approach the department head instead, and then hesitated to actually guide her through the politics of that process. Aditi’s follow-up emails and texts after that point were also left unanswered.
On the surface, the initial guidance seemed like it could open a door.
But she also felt the sting of the door swiftly shutting, and realizing she was on her own for the messy, unwritten, real work of getting in.
“People say they want equity. They’ll put your photo in the report. Invite you onto the panel. But when you ask for something real – it’s not the right time.”
Sadly, Aditi is describing something we hear over and over – doors that look open but are actually gates kept shut.
Why Does This Matter?
When someone faces opaque, exclusive, or unwritten rules that keep them out, it’s rarely a personal issue. It is almost always structural.
What this means for anyone who sees themselves as an ally is that your support must go beyond transactional “favours” and into solidarity.
Simply put, it means you’re not doing something for someone, but with them.
The Difference Between a Favour and Solidarity
Allyship that has a favour-feel is:
- Performative
- Transactional
- Framed as a favour – “helping you with your problem.”
Allyship that has a solidarity-feel:
- Acknowledges the system that excluded you in the first place.
- Puts something on the line – perhaps a reputational cost, money, time, etc.
- Brings about a sense of kinship
This difference is painful to name, as I have personally been on both sides…In Part 2, I’ll unpack what it actually feels like to be on each side of that door – and how we can move through the discomfort without getting stuck in shame.
Have you faced or witnessed a similar experience? Share your story and keep the conversation going!
And in the meantime, tune into the Hearth 2 Heart podcast episode on this topic with Dr. Jocelyn Peltier-Huntley, whose new book Active Allyship is full of thoughtful, practical ways to turn intention into impact.
Part 2: The Real Work of Being an Ally (minus the shame) continued...
By: Gayathri Shukla, August 21, 2025 (This article was originally published on our LinkedIn newsletter.)
On the Outside Looking In
When you’re on the outside of that door to opportunity, you may ask yourself:
- Was I asking too much?
- Is my urgency a burden?
- Am I the problem here?
That is the shape of shame.
It turns disappointment into self-doubt. It makes you question your own worth, instead of the system’s capacity to change.
It invites you to shrink, to wait, to apologize for wanting in.
But let’s turn it around for a moment.
On the Inside, Holding the Door
What does it feel like to be the ally holding the door? Many of us have been here (myself included):
- You want to help, but you feel unprepared or under-resourced.
- You’re afraid of making promises you can’t keep.
- You don’t want to be the gatekeeper, but you can’t see how to change the gate.
- You worry about saying the wrong thing, so you say nothing at all.
It’s uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Exposing. And that can quickly curdle into shame, too: “I’m not as good an ally as I thought. I’m part of the problem.”
Shame Thrives in the Gap between Intent and Impact, If We Let It.
If you are an ally, this is where intent and impact – motive and move – come apart. Your motive might be generous, ethical, progressive. But your move – what you actually do -might still reinforce exclusion:
- Did you say yes because it looked good?
- Did you say no because not you couldn’t help, but you’re too exhausted to try?
- Did you invite someone in only partway, then blame them for not feeling welcome?
These are hard questions. But they’re necessary ones. And there is another way to approach it: discomfort minus the shame.
Shame shuts us down. It keeps both sides stuck. It makes the person outside the door feel unworthy. And the person holding the door feel helpless.
Discomfort invites us in. It is honest. It leads to clarity: “I can’t right now, but here’s what I can do.” It admits a very human question: “what’s in it for me?” Let’s sit with that.
Why Don’t Allies Go Further?
Our research at Lotus STEMM Breaking Barriers suggests:
- Fear of conflict: Challenging the process might offend colleagues.
- Desire to protect relationships: “I don’t want to rock the boat.”
- Preserving self-image: “I want to be seen as helpful, but not difficult.”
- Lack of ownership: Seeing the barrier as your problem instead of ours.
Many such reasons appear fair on the surface, but if we dig deeper, we start to interrogate belief systems. I.e., do I inherently believe this is about “swooping in” to rescue someone or offer charity? Or, do I see that “their” barrier is actually our barrier to dismantle?
Pay attention to that question, because those beliefs influence your actions, and whether or not you offer them a seat at the table.
Ultimately, here’s what’s in it for you: When we dismantle gatekeeping, everyone benefits.
- We get better science, better ideas, better outcomes.
- We build workplaces where people don’t have to waste energy decoding unwritten rules—so they can focus on doing the work.
- We create teams that trust each other because no one is left behind to struggle alone.
- We invest in systems where we, too, can be vulnerable – where we don’t have to know everything to belong.
- Choosing otherwise doesn’t just hurt those on the margins. It teaches everyone to play small, to protect themselves, and avoid the hard conversations.
TL:DR: An invitation to meta-reflexivity
Here are some questions to ask yourself (I am asking myself, too):
- When have you offered help that was really about making yourself feel good?
- When have you stopped short because it got uncomfortable?
- When have you told yourself “this isn’t my fight” without examining who actually benefits from your silence?
- Can allyship be the difference between not just helping someone get through the door, but asking why the door was locked in the first place?
This isn’t about shame. It’s about strategic introspection. It’s about staying with the discomfort long enough to close the gap between motive and move.
At Breaking Barriers, we call this practice meta-reflexivity. Stay tuned for more free learning resources on Breaking Barriers coming soon, and keep the conversation going!